clinging tenaciously

Insomnia Strikes Again

2011-09-19T00:21:00.001-07:00

So, once again I am up at 2:30 in the morning with my brain refusing to quiet down when I realized I haven't blogged in who knows how long. Mostly because, let's be honest, people who read this already know what's going on in my life. But, turns out, I like being able to look back at the things I thought were important enough to tell people on the internet.

To make it simple: God is so faithful.

I knew that He was. Maybe. At least I said I knew that He was, but I think even when I would say that - when I would believe it even - there was a little part of me saying, "are you sure? have things ever been going good in your life?"

Obviously that was a lie from the pit of hell and needed to be taken captive, and I'm thankful to say that it often was.

BUT NOW, satan doesn't even have close to an argument. Father is faithful, and I am doing so good. Not that everything is perfect in my life - of course not, it never will be, but I can't remember a time when I was doing as well in my emotional, spiritual, and mental health as I am now.

I HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN DEPRESSION FREE FOR 6 MONTHS!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?! THIS IS HUGE!

I don't think there is any way to express how thankful I am. God has been so gracious to me.

Not to mention, I have a job I love, and I'm getting to be involved with a international student ministry that I love even more.

I am so very thankful.

Thank you, Jesus, for bringing beauty from these ashes.

Prone to Wander

2011-05-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." John 6:68

It amazes me how I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the only, ONLY, thing that will satisfy is Christ. Yet, I find myself constantly looking for that satisfaction in other places. I convince myself that it's easier to do things like watch a movie or sleep than spend time with the only One who can satisfy my desires. The only one who can bring me contentment, joy, and love.

I was just meditating on that verse a little bit, and reminded of the fact that there is no where else I could go, no one else I could go to. EVERYTHING besides the One who has the Words of eternal life will leave me empty and dry. There is no point in going anywhere else.

I can just see Simon Peter when Christ asks them if they are going to leave to thinking "There's no point now...now that we've spent time around the One who has the Words of life, we won't be satisfied with anything else."

What a blessing to be one who was chosen to be able to spend time with the One who has the words of eternal life!

How is that I ever want to be doing anything else?

Song Challenge Day 22

2011-04-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

A song you listen to when you're sad.

I listen to lots of different Jesus music songs when I'm sad.

A couple favorites:

Song Challenge Day 21

2011-04-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

A song you listen to when you're happy.

I don't know that there is one specific song I listen to when I'm happy, but I think my happy music genre would definitely be motown. :)

I could go on and on...

Song Challenge Day 20

2011-04-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

A song you listen to when you're angry.

I was at Passion 2011 this weekend in Ft. Worth, and therefore, was unable to post songs on here. So I am just going to pick up where I left off and will end up finishing in...33 days? I think.

As far as this song goes though, if you ever see or hear me listening to this song, know that I am really really ticked off. I very very rarely get angry enough for me to listen to this song.

It used to be one of my favorites, but I realized it causes a lot of anger to stir in my heart and stopped listening to it. Except, of course, when I'm already really ticked off and just don't care.

Song Challenge Day 19

2011-03-31T08:20:00.001-07:00

A song from your favorite album.

Ok, so I haven't bought a whole album in who knows how long. So this album is really old, but it's definitely an all time fav...slash I think it was my first ever rap cd.

Song Challenge Day 17 and 18

2011-03-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

A song you often hear on the radio.

I honestly haven't listened to the radio in at least a year. I never listen to the radio. I have no idea what songs are playing on it these days.

A song you wish you heard on the radio.

If the radio played songs like this...I'd listen to it all the time.

Song Challenge Day 16

2011-03-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

A song you used to love and now you hate.

This took me a while to decide on any. There aren't many songs that I used to love and now can't really handle. Here are two though.

Song Challenge Day 15

2011-03-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

A song that describes you.

1. So What - Pink

Ok. really that doesn't describe me at all. except, of course, that I'm a rockstar.

2. I believe I can fly - R. Kelly

Ok, but really...

3. Brave to Believe - Donna Stuart
But, I couldn't find that one anywhere online.

4. Homeward Bound - Kristene Mueller

Song Challenge Day 14

2011-03-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

A song that no one would expect you to love.

She's not typically the style of music I listen to, but I like her a lot.

Song Challenge Day 13

2011-03-25T14:38:00.001-07:00

A song that is a guilty pleasure.

I keep listening to this one. I feel lame that I like it so much, but I do.

Song Challenge Day 12

2011-03-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

A song from a band you hate.

Well I don't really hate him musically. I just really dislike him for the person he is.
But this song I like.

Song Challenge Day 11

2011-03-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

A song from your favorite band.

I don't really have a favorite band, but I definitely do have a favorite rapper.

With Mary J:

And my personal fav:

P$C Ft. T.I. & Lil Scrappy - I'm A King
- Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

Song Challenge Day 10

2011-03-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

A song that puts you to sleep.

There aren't really any songs that put me to sleep, but here are a few songs that help me to quiet my soul. These songs help me when I'm restless and can't sleep. They get me to the point where I maybe can eventually fall asleep.

1. Be Still - Kari Jobe

2. Here With Me Now - Laura Hackett
Couldn't Find a way to embed this song, but you can listen to a sample of it here:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002WX450E/ref=dm_dp_trk8

Yay, Cola!

2011-03-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

My friend emailed me back today and told me the name of the song I like!
It's so great that she knew exactly which one I was talking about. :) I just miss her.

it's way fun.

Song Challenge Day 9

2011-03-21T01:03:00.001-07:00

A song you can dance to.

I love to swing dance.
Ha. Betcha weren't expecting that one were you?

Song Challenge Day 8

2011-03-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

A Song you know all the words to.

Invasion - Trip Lee

baller.

Also Meh Han would like to make known that this would be her song that she knows all the words to:

Song Challenge Day 7

2011-03-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

A Song that Reminds me of a Certain Event.

So one year out of the four I worked at the Great Adventure Camp, we did a camp American Idol weekly. I was one of the contestants and so I got to get all crazily dressed up and sing Hairspray. It was good times. I sang different songs every week, but my favorite was:

You Can't Stop The Beat

and just because you will all get a kick out of this:

Song Challenge Day 6

2011-03-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

I forgot to post yesterday.

A song that reminds me of somewhere.

Well there's this Mongolian song that I love that reminds me of a specific square in the Blue City, but I can't remember the name of it or find it so...

1. Seasons in the Sun reminds me of KTV. Also...this video is hilarious.

2. When I am Afraid - Laura Hackett (also reminds me of China)

Song Challenge Day 5

2011-03-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

A song that reminds me of someone.

1. For Good - Wicked.

I know it's cheesy, but it reminds me of my crew/family. The ones that I met in high school and have been my best friends since. These girls:

2. 96,000 - In The Heights

It reminds me of my sister. It's our jam. :)

Song Challenge Day 4

2011-03-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

A song that makes you sad.

1. Believe - Brooks and Dunn
This song makes me sad because it reminds me of someone who was very important to me. If you want to know about it, just ask.

Also...hear that organ? Yeah, that's my uncle.

2. Pretty much any song about abuse. Specifically child abuse. Like this one:

Song Challenge Day 3

2011-03-15T12:25:00.001-07:00

A song that makes you happy.

This was not difficult at all for me. These two songs are just so fun and upbeat. Despite them being pretty innapropriate, they are just really fun. So they make me happy.

1. Teenage Dream - Glee (the Katy Perry version is way not as good).

2. Take me or Leave me - Rent (the Glee version was pretty good, but you can't get better than Idina...).

Song Challenge Day 2

2011-03-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today is my least favorite song. I thought about this for awhile, but decided I couldn't pick just one.

1. Whip my Hair - Willow Smith.
Wow I hate this song. It's so obnoxious.

2. Grillz - Nelly
They used to always play this at my high school dances. I guess because it was a clean rap song and I went to a Christian school? I don't know. It drove me crazy.

3. lollipop - lil wayne
Just a horrible song.

Dang. Remember when lil wayne was good? No? let me help you. Remember this one?

that was the jam back then. fo real.

Song Challenge

2011-03-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

So I'm enjoying friends doing the 30 day song challenge post and thought I'd join in the fun. Even if no one pays attention to it, I think it'll be a fun endeavor. So:

*EDIT- I'm not entirely sure why the videos are showing up halfway the way they are, but you can still listen to the songs so it's ok I suppose. Any thoughts on how to fix it?

day 01 - your favorite song

day 02 - your least favorite song

day 03 - a song that makes you happy

day 04 - a song that makes you sad

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone

day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

day 09 - a song that you can dance to

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

day 11 - a song from your favorite band

day 12 - a song from a band you hate

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure

day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love

day 15 - a song that describes you

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now you hate

day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio

day 19 - a song from your favorite album

day 20 - a song that you listen to when you're angry

day 21 - a song that you listen to when you're happy

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you're sad

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral

day 25 - a song that makes you laugh

day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play

day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty

day 29 - a song from your childhood

day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

So all that said...my favorite song at the moment:

Healing is in Your Hands - Christy Nockels
Because of where I'm at in my walk with Father right now, this song has just really ministered to me. Plus, I'm a really big Christy Nockels fan.

And I'm on a Justin Bieber kick these days (our birthday is the same day), so I would say my other fave jam would be Never Let You Go - JB

Basketball

2011-01-25T00:38:00.000-08:00

That's me in 10th grade.

As long as I can remember, basketball has been a part of my life. Up until college, I would have to say basketball more or less was my life.

It's who I was, it's what I was known for, it's what I did. I was one of those people that you could look at and tell I was a baller.

Most of my best memories are on the court or have to do with basketball.

Playing with three of the best (and best looking) boys I know.

Once I got into college and stopped playing, it was really strange for me. I still dressed like a baller, and acted like a baller. It was kind of an identity crisis. It took me a long time to realize that my identity is in Christ and it doesn't matter what people know me as. It was a sweet freedom to realize I can dress and act how I want and not how I think I should because of what I believe my "identity" to be.

beautiful.

Despite that, since being in college and not playing very often, I felt like a part of me was missing. I know that sounds ridiculously cliche, but I really did. It had been such a huge part of my life for so long, that without it, it feels like something is missing.

you wish you were as baller as us.

I say all this to tell you all that I've started reffing for a children's rec league 3 nights a week, and I am loving every minute of it. It's so fun to be around it again, even if it is in a different role than I am used to.

How long, O Lord?

2010-12-05T21:38:00.000-08:00

How long, O Lord?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say "I have prevailed over him," lestmy foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

Typical.

2010-11-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

I feel like it's pretty typical to do a post about being thankful on thanksgiving, but I want yall to know. :)

Because I am overwhelmingly thankful for so many things, I'm limiting myself to five for now...

1. My momma - I am so incredibly thankful for my mom. She works 2 jobs so she can help put us through school. She often does this being sick or in extreme pain. I legitimately don't think I could have a better mom. She loves Jesus so much, and chooses to trust Him even when things aren't going too well. She regularly encourages me in my faith and spurs me on in my relationship with Him.
2. A church home - It is so sweet to finally have a church (actually churches - in Houston and College Station) that I can call my church home. I hadn't had that for such a long time, and it allows me to truly appreciate it now. It is such a blessing to be able to have love, fellowship, and teaching at these places.
3. My sister living in College Station with me. It's just really sweet to have family in town. It is just a different feeling to have someone you can call on no matter if it is for a small or big reason. I like it a lot. :)
4. God's leading in my life. Recently, I am learning a lot about God's leading me. How He opens doors no man can shut and shuts doors no man can open - all that. It's really sweet to watch Him. It's so incredible to have a Voice behind me saying "This is the way. Walk in it." and I have been seeing that more and more lately. For the first time in my life, I truly trust that He will show me which way I am to go. It's beautiful.
5. So many wonderful people in my life.I truly have so many incredible people in my life who are huge blessings to me. Such wonderful truth and encouragement is spoken to me so regularly by them. I am continuously spurred on lovingly whether through encouragement or through rebuke. It's incredible. I couldn't be more thankful for the community God has given me -and I see His provision in it being just what I need for this time in my life.

I am so thankful.
What are you thankful for?
You are loved.

Woah.

2010-11-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

When your words came to me, I ate them; they were my joy

and my heart's delight, for I bear your name,

LORD God Almighty.

Jeremiah 15:16

I'm officially challenged.

Where I'm At

2010-10-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hey friends.

I want to give a bit of an update of what's going on in my life, but I feel like there's so much going on that I don't know where to start.
A couple things I'm reminded of when thinking about what's going on in my life and specifically where I'm at:
1. At the beginning of the semester, a theme of mine was that "I want to be about who He is, not where I'm at." I think that is definitely coming back into play now. Specifically when talking about where I'm at physically. My desire is to only be concerned with who He is and not worry about where I'm at. Whether I'm in college station, in houston, overseas, or anywhere in between doesn't really matter. Every where I am, He has chosen me to be there and to use me there, and my desire needs to be to bring Him glory regardless of what part of the world I'm in.
2. "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying 'This is the way, walk in it.'" - Is. 30:21. This has definitely become a theme for my life right now. I see Father's faithfulness in opening and closing doors and guiding me in the path He has for me. It's really beautiful. I stress about making decisions, and then He makes the decisions for me. It's pretty baller.

A few other thoughts:
1. Donna Stuart's new cd = baller/I swear a couple of the songs are my life in song format
2. Loving making international friends here. It's been a fun and meaningful semester because of it.
3. I am more than likely going to complete all my hours this semester! Whoop! (don't judge the fact that that's a big deal...I'm excited)
4. I got a 92ish on my Chinese midterm. It was easy, but I still like to brag.
5. I'm not doing as well as I'd like in getting back in shape, or getting full nights of sleep.

Sorry for the scatteredness of this post.
You are loved.

Semester Goals

2010-09-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Last semester, I set some pretty intense goals. Doable...but intense. Most of them didn't happen. This semester, with one week down (and about a million more to go), I am trying to set some realistic goals.

1. Stay on top of my classes - care about them - glorify God in them. Don't skip class unless necessary.*

2. Live missionally in all I do.

3. Encourage the body of Christ to lve missionally.

4. Get a job - work hard - glorify Daddy in that.

5. Get in shape.

6. Write Abigail letters regularly.

7. Be in control of my body and not let it be in control of me (exercising, eating right, regular sleep schedule, etc.)

8. At least 8 hours of sleep a night.**

*Do my very best to not skip class unless necessary. It's not realistic to say I won't at all.

** Already failed at this at least one night. Again, it's a "do my very best" type of thing.

Feel free to keep me accountable/ask me about these things.

You are loved. :)

My God is bigger

2010-08-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

Our God is greater

Our God is stronger

God, You are higher than any other

Our God is healer, awesome in power

Our God, our God

I want to tell yall about one of the days this summer. Let's just start out with saying... it was a long day.

It started out with us going to the shops near the Big Temple in the city. After visiting for awhile, our doctor friend took us to a new temple with the goddess of mercy statue. This statue is HUGE. It is like over 60 ft tall or something crazy like that. This statue has 1000 hands and some ridiculous amount of eyes. As our friend told us about it and even asked us if we wanted to bow down to it, I became extremely overwhelmed. I just kept thinking "It's so big. It's so big." That's when I was so sweetly reminded by my God (the True God), "I'm bigger." And He gave me this song (Our God is greater). What a sweet truth. He is bigger than some statue. He is greater than false beliefs and the lies our friend is trapped in. He is higher than false religion.

We got back to our side of town at about 2 in the afternoon and proceeded to have a late lunch at our favorite noodle place. During our lunch, one of the girls I went with's bag was stolen. It was a frustrating couple of hours as we tried to deal with the situation. When we went to a coffee shop a few hours later, she and I got to talk for awhile. We talked through some of the frustrations and irritations from the day, and talked about the fact that satan was attacking because of all God was doing. This ended up just being more frustrating because we were letting satan get to us, and it had gotten in the way of intentional meetings with friends. That is when Daddy reminded us again, "I'm bigger." He is so much bigger than threats and plans of the evil one. He is so much bigger than our frustrations. He is so much bigger!

The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice;

let the many coastlands be glad!

Clouds and thick darkness are all around him;

righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.

Fire goes before him and burns up his adversaries all around.

His lightnings light up the world;

the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the LORD;

before the Lord of all the earth.

The heavens proclaim his righteousness,

and all the peoples see his glory.

All worshipers of images are put to shame,

who make their boast in worthless idols;

worship him, all you gods!

Zion hears and is glad,

and the daughters of Judah rejoice,

because of your judgements, O LORD.

For you, O LORD, are most high above all the earth;

you are exalted far above all gods.

Psalm 97:1-9

What I Learned

2010-07-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

So the main question I keep getting asked when I talk to people about my summer in East Asia is "What did you learn?"
That's a hard question to answer because I learned so much.
But what I keep coming back to and the first thing I always tell people is Lamentations 3:21-26

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul that seeks him."

What did this teach me?

Well, let me just tell you.

1. I learned a lot about waiting on the Lord. I have only once before so vividly and clearly had Father pull me out of a pit as I did this summer, and that is when I chose to follow Him. It was incredible to me how if I do actually wait on Him instead of running to people or my own conclusions, He will pull me out. "The Lord is good to those who wait for him."

2. So then I wondered why I don't typically do that, and I realized that I place this expectation on Him that He is going to get tired of helping me. I don't want to bother Him. Guess what He told me then? "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases."

3. My friend and I talked about that I cling to tight to relationships for fear of being hurt. I realized that my worth is not found in Christ, and that it needs to be. I need to know that He is all I need, and the rest is just "icing on the cake." "The Lord is my portion," says my soul "therefore I will hope in him."

4. At many different points throughout the trip, I was completely broken for my friends, and crying out to God in desperation. Then there were times I was frustrated because I felt like He should have revealed Himself to them already. He reminded me of Romans 9:15-18, that His timing is perfect and I can't expect it to just happen all at once (that's not how it happened with me), and that "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning."

5. And multiple times, in multiple ways, He reminded me of His constant faithfulness to me, my team, my friends, and that city. "Great is your faithfuless."

My Daddy, through this passage, has taught me more than that this summer and I'm sure He will continue to teach me more through this passage, but it has been such a sweet promise for me that I wanted to share it with all of you.

What has Daddy taught you so far this summer?

Can't wait to hear all about it.

You are loved.

Just Wait.

2010-05-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray.

And I want you more than I want to live another day.

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made faithful.

I'm learning right now a lot about what it means to be broken. As I learn, I am being broken. It hurts. It's hard. And it's beautiful.

I have struggled with depression for about 9 years. So many times I ask God why I am still going through this, but I know that I have much to learn from it. Usually I see God despite my depression. As I am being pulled out of the pit of "despair" I see that He is the One pulling me out. Which is great.

This time my depression is worse than it has been in many, many years. There are many differences in this time and the constant struggle. For example: it's interefering with life, school, and relationships; i'm changing my meds; i'm tired constantly...i could go on.

The most recent difference of this particular struggle is what I am learning through it. Usually it is just a reminder to press on and to know God is in control. This time, rather than seeing God despite my depression, I am seeing Him in my depression. I am able to appreciate this time of brokenness because I know He is the One breaking me, and it is such a blessing to be broken and taught by the God of the universe. That He cares that much for me blows my mind.

So as I see Him in my depression, I see myself at a different place than I ever have before in this struggle. I feel as though I am a pile of bones lying on the ground begging for God to breathe life into me, to give me strength. Instead I hear Him tell me "Just wait, dear one, just wait."

It reminds me of David. Not that I would ever compare myself to David, the man after God's own heart. psh. I wish I could. But, in the time that he was living in caves hiding from Saul, he had to have asked..."God you said I would be king, but I'm going through this misery. When, God, when?" and God answered "Just wait, dear one, just wait."

So I am learning the beauty of brokenness and waiting.

I am so incredible thankful for this new lesson in my life.

You are loved. :)

What I want to do in my life.

2010-04-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

My friend recently wrote a blog post that included her bucket list.

This inspired me to do the same, and as my blog is typically more serious-type posts, I thought I'd have some fun.

So here are a few of the things I really hope to do at some point in my life (my bucket list, if you will):

*In no particular order

1. Learn French
2. Learn Chinese (Mandarin)
3. Learn Arabic
4. Adopt a child
5. Run a marathon
6. Live overseas
7. Live in the inner city
8. Coach basketball
9. Do something productive with my ability to rap
10. Spend time in Israel
11. Visit Cameroon/spend time in multiple areas of Africa
12. Go on a Mediterranean cruise
13. Be part of a ministry to street kids/prostitutes
14. Open up my home to someone who needs a place to live
15. Get a degree
16. Learn to play racquetball
17. Learn to cook
18. Own a construction barrel (no, really).
19. Learn how to make UBC fruit tea
20. Go to Disney World in Hong Kong

:) that's it for now. I'm sure there's more I want to do, but this was more or less off the top of my head.

2010-04-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

What arguments and opinions are you allowing to be raised against the knowledge of God in your mind right now?

_____________________________________

Right now, I am dealing with a lot of fear.

Joyce Meyer in her book "Beauty for Ashes" says:

"If the devil can frighten us, then we are putting more faith in what he says than in what God says."

Hmmm... Interesting point, Joyce-y.

This just confirmed again how necessary it is to memorize the truth of God's Word and speak it over myself. How will I put my faith in what God says if I don't know what He says?

I'm excited that in my learning scripture to fight fear, I have the promise that the weapon of God's Word "has divine power to DESTROY strongholds."

Fear has been a constant stronghold in my life for some time, and I am excited to know that it will be broken in Jesus name.

You are loved. :)

Philippians 4:8

2010-03-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

I'm home. I really dislike home. I walked in the door yesterday to lots of yelling and contemplated turning around and driving back to college station. If it wasn't for the fact that it was my sister's prom last night, I would have. Really.

But I didn't. So now, I am here. A place with constant tension and frustration. None of my group of girl friends are in town, so all I really have to do is lay around the house. The house that I usually dread walking in to.

Not to mention the fact that Jesus is making me love my dad, so I can't just yell back at him.

Also, there's no fan in my room. It's just a frustrating situation.

So late last night, while I was frustrated with being here, and seriously considering just leaving, Jesus told me "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things." (Phil 4:8, NIV)

Now clearly (as shown in the rest of my post), that isn't easy for me at all in this situation. But that is my goal for the week. Instead of being frustrated with my choice of activities for the week, or with my life in general, I am going to dwell on the blessings God has given me. Specifically on the blessings He has given me here in Houston.

Today, I am going to hang out with two of my close friends Ryan and Josh in Rice Village. And tomorrow Sam is getting home. And I get to go to Houston First Baptist (Whoop!) and Ecclesia with Fay. There are so many wonderful things to be excited about and thankful for. Not to mention the fact that so many people in my family love me.

So now you know the goal for this week. Feel free to ask me afterward how I did. :p

Hope everyone's spring break is grand.

You are loved.

reminiscent

2010-03-01T01:12:00.000-08:00

So, today I am 20.

This day makes me reminisce a lot.

I am completely amazed at all God has brought me through in my short lifetime. It's insane. I could not even begin to write about it.

I can, however, write about a few of the people/places/things that God has used in my life. The blessings in my life that He has given me to get me through.

In honor of the fact that I am 20 today, perhaps I shall write 20 blessings.
These are in no specific order.

1. My Mommy - The biggest blessing of my life has been my mom. She has always taken care of me and had my back. Even when she couldn't fix everything, she did what she could. Her kids have always been her priority. She has always tried so hard and has been so strong. Now, sometimes all I want is to take care of her.

2. Andrew, Alyssa and Abigail - Andrew has been a really great brother. He has always tried to be a positive male figure in the lives of us girls. He takes good care of his family and will make a great dad and husband someday. Alyssa has been my best friend since I was 2. :) She knows me better than anyone in the world I'm pretty sure. I trust her more than anyone. Abigail is my girl. I love her to death. She is the strongest person I have ever met. She has had to be. She is amazing. She is growing up to be an incredible woman of God.
3. Mrs. Paul and the boys - Mrs. Paul was my children's pastor back in the day. She has always been around, and always known everything going on in my life. She is my 2nd mom. I can come to her with anything and everything. She has been the one I want to go to for as long as I can remember. If someone was to ask me who my mentor was/is, I'd definitely say her. Her boys (Walter, Tommy, Jacob, Caleb, and Isaiah) have a very very special place in my heart. When I was ready to kill myself and felt that I had nothing to live for, it was honestly them that kept me going. God placed them in my life for that reason if nothing else. They are some extremely special boys. Back in the day, I would spend the majority of my time at their house. Now, I rarely see them and miss them all the time. They are growing up so quickly!
4. Nanette and Patrick - They were my youth pastors. They have always been there for me, and I have learned so much from both of them. Nanette is a huge part of my testimony. God has used her so much in my life and I am so thankful for both them. On the lowest night of my life, I stayed at their house. They are incredible people.
5. Pastor Michael, Coach Cleveland, Mr. Carraway, and others - These were all Godly male influences in my life. They will never know how much that was needed and how thankful I am for each of them.

6. Allie - I should just suffice to say that she has been there through so much. She got way more than she bargained for with this friendship, but she stuck it out through it all. I am so thankful that she continued to stick by me through all my junk. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
7. The family - I am so blessed to have a group of friends from high school that I can consider family. They have always been there, and I know if I ever needed any of them, they always would be. I had very few real friends before knowing these guys, and now I know I am one of the most blessed people in the world as far as friends goes. They are pretty cool.
8. The Great Adventure Camp - I spent 4 summers at this small children's camp. I learned so much there. It has always been a safe place for me, and I have such great memories from that place. I grew so much from working there.

9. Impact - Impact has been such a blessing these last few years. I have learned and grown so much from being involved with it, not to mention I've met some of my best friends through it. God is working through that organization and it is incredible to be able to be a part of it.

10. Houston First Baptist - I had pretty much lost all faith in churches until I went to work for this church. I am so thankful for a big church in the middle of a big city looking to do church in a way that truly glorifies God and does what He desires. They have incredible community, they have incredible service to those around them and their own body, and the worship and teaching is amazing.

11. Central - The community I have found at Central is incredible. It have learned so much from the friends I have made there. I am constantly being spurred on and encouraged by those around me at the church.

12. Theatre - A huge constant blessing in my life (specifically throughout high school, but at times still now) is theatre. I love it. It brings me so much joy. It isn't as intense for me as basketball since my life was never really devoted to it, but it is something that is just chill, relaxing, and brings me joy. The people I have gotten to know through my love of theatre have also been a huge blessing.

13. Basketball - Basketball was my life for...well most of my life, or at least 8 years or so. It more or less consumed my life. Believe it or not, that was a huge blessing. First of all, basketball is just a source of joy for me. I love it. It is a passion. Second, because I focused my life around basketball, and basketball was my escape/get away, I didn't get into anything stupid. I truly believe God protected me through my love of basketball. Third, I know that God is going to continue to use my love of basketball in my life and I am excited to see that play out.

14. Kareliz - Ok, so I have this friend. She's from Puerto Rico. Silly Boricua. Basically, we grew up together, we learned and grew together. Even our testimonies are similar. When we didn't love Jesus (back in our heathen days), we hung out all the time. Now that we love Jesus (keepin it church), we still hang out all the time. It's beautiful. It's pretty much one of the greatest friendships I could ever ask for. We have known each other, and known each other well since the fourth grade. I can't imagine a time when we won't be friends.

15. Shalom Shack and Foster House - So both of these places are just pretty baller. I guess the reason I feel like they need to be included in this list is because of how life-giving they are to me. I can often just go chill at one of these houses for like 30 minutes and feel refreshed. The people who live there are wonderful ladies who are seeking after God and I am thankful for all of them. The last two semesters would have been extremely different without the people in these houses, and I am so glad I have them in my life. Sarah, you have been a huge part of my life since the beginning of freshman year and I am thankful for how much God has used you in my life. I'm excited to see how He uses you in the future, especially in Russia.

16. Encourager Church - I am so thankful to have grown up in the church I did. That church was like a security blanket for me until I was at least 15. It is where I always felt safe. I learned a lot and had some amazing people pour into me in that church. Eventually, it was not where I was supposed to be anymore, but I am thankful for the impact it and the people in it had on my life.

17. Truth spoken into my life - Ok, so I know that isn't really a thing or a person or a place, but it is a blessing that has helped me through life, spurred me on, and encouraged me. It is always much needed. I am so incredibly thankful for the truth I have had spoken into my life, and for the people in my life who continually speak truth. It is such a huge blessing.

18. Cypress Christian - 9th grade year at Cypress was a turning point for me. I had just realized my need for God and had turned back to Him. Because of His directing me and my parents that I should go to Cypress, I met people that encouraged me and taught me what it is to follow Him. His plan in me going to that school was perfect, and I can't imagine graduating from a better place. I am incredibly thankful that that is where He put me.

19. Houses - Another huge blessing in my life has always been my home away from home. It doesn't matter where that may be at the time, it's just always a huge blessing. Especially in high school when being home was miserable. Being able to stay at Aubrey's whenever was one of the biggest blessings I had. I loved that I basically lived at her house along with the rest of the girls. I still love it every time we spend time at that house. Abby's house freshman year, obviously was an incredible blessing. I mean, by the end of the year, it wasn't my home away from home...it just was my home. I just am so grateful that I go to live on Abby and Nick's futon. That Abby saw what I needed and was so there for me. She's kinda wonderful. :) Also, I love my house this year. It's a huge blessing. It is so sweet to live somewhere where there is peace and not tension and encouragement rather than discouragement. It's so incredible and I just like it a lot.

20. The incredible friends in my life - So basically I have incredible amazing brilliant friends in my life. Just because I didn't mention someone doesn't mean I don't realize how incredible they are and how much I need them in my life. I have been so blessed by friends who are real, honest, and uplifting to me. I don't know how I got so lucky. Jesus must love me a whole lot. :) I am consistently amazed by how blessed I am by the people in my life and the people that love me and care about me. It's truly incredible.

It amazes me how Father knows exactly what we need when we need it. These are just a few of the blessings He has given me to teach me, grow me, and help me get through life thus far. I truly needed each and every one of these and can't imagine my life without them.

"Jesus and the 12 disciplines, they was in the boat..."

2010-01-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

I love Madea. Hence, the quote. And I have watched I Can Do Bad All By Myself recently...both the movie and the play actually. Luckily, they are so different, I can't compare them.

I determined this past weekend that this coming semester, I have to be much more disciplined. It is going to be a really hectic semester and the busyness has already begun. Meh. And by I determined, I really mean that Jesus told me. I have to be more disciplined in every aspect of my life. SCHOOL, work, time with Jesus, exercise, money, and on and on. So there are going to be some big changes in my life this semester:

1. Bed time - by 12:30 every night. This can only be ignored in very extreme circumstances.
2. Wake up time - 7 every morning. EVERY MORNING. even if I don't have class or work until 10:30 or later.
3. In the mornings I am going to run, shower, and spend time with Jesus. Every morning! Except Wednesdays which will be my day off from running, and I will get up a bit earlier to have breakfast with Impact Prayer Team girls. :)
4. I will spend MUCH less time being unintentionally social. Of course, friendships need to be strengthened and pursued...but other than those I am committed to serving this semester, the friendship part of my life will have to decrease considerably. I am excited, because this will help me learn that only Christ can sustain me.
5. Because I have a morning routine, I will go to all my classes. My goal is legitimately to not miss more than one class (in every class) this semester. Which would be an INSANE improvement. And I will call in to work sick no more than twice this semester.

Those are the big ones. At least that I remember at this point. :) Get excited. And feel free to hold me accountable. It's much needed.

You are loved.

Time

2010-01-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

So, it was brought to my attention recently that I have not blogged since september. I'm definitely not an avid blogger, but I felt that meant it was about the time to write a new post. I got on thinking I would write about my trip to China, but I wouldn't really know what to say or where to begin.

I'm gonna be honest, the trip wasn't an easy one for me. There were a lot of things I had to work through and deal with, including something unexpected: a letter from my dad. I don't really know if I'm ready to get into all of that yet, but let's just say Daddy's teaching me a lot and growing me through it.

I made some really baller friends while I was in China. Many of whom, Father broke my heart for because they were completely closed off to truth. A few of my friends were interested, and two of my friends were believers, but many of them were closed off at the mention of it.

One of the greatest parts of the trip was the times with the workers. We were so blessed to be able to spend a good amount of time with them, and (I hope) encourage and refresh them.

Now, I am struggling with being content where I am at. In the last few days in the city, Father gave me a heart and a burden for the city and I long to be there. It's funny how Father works because, though my trip had been good, in the middle of the second week, I never thought I would want to go back. In one day, He completely changed that. I miss it a lot. I am learning to be content where I am, and knowing that Father has me here for a reason. I am so blessed to be able to be used of Him no matter where I am. I should be so grateful for the opportunity to be used of Him here, on this campus. That is the goal. To know that He has placed me here for a reason, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve Him here.

You are loved.

Satisfy me.

2009-09-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

I am learning so much recently.
It's ridiculous to see how much I am not usually satisfied in Christ. When He, of course, is the only one who will satisfy. And because of this I fall into selfishness so easily. My prayer right now is to be broken of that.

Another thing that not only is a constant longing of my heart, but also I am so excited about is to see revival on A&M campus. I truly am expecting it. I want to be part of it. But am content to let God use me in whatever way He sees fit. But I am ready. and expecting. and insanely excited. If you want to know specifics of why I feel this revival is coming soon, ask me, because God is blowing my mind lately. And the only explanation is that God is on the move on this campus. In huge ways. I'm blown away. and, once again, excited. I feel so blessed to be seeing this happen.

Pray for our campus. Be trusting and expectant.

You are loved.

This God - His way is perfect.

2009-08-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not so much looking forward to school and work. On the other hand, I can't wait for the awesome things God has in store for this year. I'm nervous and excited about upstream, and am so ready to see what God will do. I have learned so much here at a&m in just a year so I'm pretty pumped to see what will be next.

Impact was incredible. God moved. It was so cool to just see God work. I'm so blessed to have been a part of it.

Right now, I'm learning to trust. Kristin is at TIRR after 3 more brain anyeurisms. She is in a near coma state right now. God showed me at Impact how sweet it is to trust in Him, and I am working to constantly put that in to practice now. In this situation and in many others with home and school.

Psalm 18:30 says "This God- His was is perfect. The Word of the Lord proves true. He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him."

I'm clinging to that. I encourage you to do the same.

You are loved.

I'm worth it.

2009-07-19T21:59:00.001-07:00

In an earlier post I talked about how I was hurting and how it was a good thing. I feel like that deserves an explanation and will lead into a lot I have to see this time.
Usually when I have thoughts of my dad or what he has done or anything to do with him, I feel hurt, but I cover that up by feeling fear which I cover up by feeling hatred. That night when I wrote, and any time since them, when I think of my dad, I have made a conscious decision to not be angry or hateful or fearful, so I am left with feeling only hurt. It is hard. Clearly, it hurts. But God is so faithful through it to hold me and just totally consume and comfort me. It's insane.
As far as my dad goes, after learning that I am called to love him and processing and contemplating that for a couple weeks, I decided to write him a letter. If you want to know about it, ask me. I'd be more than willing to tell you. Not only was it freeing, but it keeps me accountable for acting correctly and loving him in the future.

About a week after writing this letter, I was sitting just resting in my Jesus a little bit, and all the sudden I heard Him tell me "More than you need to forgive and love your dad, you MUST forgive and love yourself." Now, I knew I hated myself, but I didn't realize it was that serious. What is funny is as soon as I thought about that for even a minute, I told God that I can't. I told Him that there is no way. I'm going to make this long story short. I wrestled with this for about a week. I have gone to a counselor a couple times this summer to start the process of forgiving and loving my dad fully. She gave me the homework of making a list of things that I need to forgive him for. At the same time, I decided to make a list of reasons I hated myself. After talking over the list about my dad with her, she saw the list about myself and asked me about it. I told her, and we talked about it. After praying, she said that God wanted to show me something, and that I needed to be aware and hear Him. As I sat there with my Daddy, He gave me a picture of calvary. As my Love hung on the cross, I sat kneeling beneath his feet. As blood poured out of Him, it continually washed over me, and then flowed down the mountain. It was cool, because immediately after I got this picture, I had someone sitting write there (my counselor) to talk it out with. What I told her was that His blood was continually washing over me. That though calvary was a certain time and place in history, it's work is eternal. Of course this is a basic truth, but so incredible when we really grab ahold of it. I told her, that what God told me through this picture was that not only am I covered by Christ's blood, but that Christ's blood is Christ (I don't know if that makes sense, ask me about it if you need to). So I am completely, and continuously covered by Christ. He told me that He sees me this way, and that I need to learn to see myself that way. That shocked me, because I knew God saw me that way, but for me to need to see myself that way was a completely different mindset for me. I am covered by Christ. I need to see myself as beautiful, just as Christ is beautiful. Clearly, by beautiful, I am not simply referring to physical beauty.

I am learning to not think of myself as worthless, but rather that I am worth it. I AM worth it.

You are loved. and You are worth it.

trusting and expectant.

2009-07-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

John 3:15 in the message says “and everyone who looks up to him – trusting and expectant, will gain real life, eternal life.”
The other night I was talking with Brittani. She is the girl leader at the internship. I was really really struggling with depression and I asked her to come and pray truth over me. After praying, we were talking and she told me this verse. We came to the conclusion, that I always believe God CAN fix my life, and deal with my family situation and take away my depression, but I don’t ever believe he WILL. That is a problem. God desires good for me. He desires to bring healing and restoration to my life. I always think that believing God will change my situation is getting my hopes up. But that is just silly! My hope is in Jesus Christ. How is it even possible to get your hopes up about something if my hope is in Christ?
I realized I am called to be expectant about the stuff going on in my life. I need to trust that the situations will change. Because they will. We just don’t know when. If not in this life than in eternity. God will change my situation, because He loves me. And I need to believe that.
I realized that I have the right to be excited about this. I have the right to have joy and be excited about God bringing restoration to my family and healing my hurt and taking away my depression, because it will happen. I should be excited. I’d be crazy not to be.
That is the third thing I learned. The end.
Since then I have read so many more verses relating to this topic that are so encouraging. Por ejemple:
Psalm 37:5 says “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.”
And
In Matthew 9:29, Jesus says “According to your faith it will be done to you.”
This has encouraged me so much and more or less changed my perspective on life.
You are loved.

joy.

2009-06-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

I have so much more I need to write and tell yll. So much that it's crazy. and upsetting that I still don't have time to write it.

Today... I am hurting. A lot.

Believe it or not, that's a good thing. and a long story for another time.

I am also struggling so much with depression.
and therein lies something I learned most recently.
God has given me an immense amount of joy by following Him, and giving me the Holy Spirit. It's a fruit of the Spirit. therefore I have it. Instead of allowing myself to admit depression and just give into it all the time. I need to claim joy for myself.
the end.

pray for me guys. the next couple days will be a fight. Thankfully, the Lord will fight for me, I need only be still.

You are loved.

Desperate.

2009-06-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

No real time to do this since I'm about to go serve dinner. At least I think that's what I'm about to go do...
I had an awesome experience today though. I hung out with a homeless lady named Shirley for about an hour. It was so cool to just show her that someone cared. And through that, that ultimately God cared. I realized how needed it is for people to love on desperate people. It really pointed out the scripture the interns have been studying which is Matthew 5:3 - "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." It's crazy how much easier it is for desperate broken people to get it, and that's what people like Shirley are. They are poor, needy, desperate and broken. It was an awesome experience.

You are loved.

Here we go.

2009-06-22T16:02:00.001-07:00

Ok I actually ended up having a couple minutes. I just never know what my schedule might be! Even now I have no clue how long I have to try and write.

The last three weeks has been a continual process of learning and growth. The first huge thing I learned was on the evening of my first day off. I was very frustrated by situations happening at home, and tried talking to the girl that is the leader of us girl interns here. Here's the thing about this girl, she has a habit of speaking truth whether you want to hear it or not. I remember by the end of the conversation being very frustrated, but throughout the next few days, I reflected on what she said and began to understand. (Keep in mind that a lot of what I have learned has built on each other and kind of run together so I might repeat myself a bit). I realized that God desires to fix my situation. His will isn't that I continue to live in a situation that is hurtful. He wants for there to be healing and restoration. I had never really thought about the fact that God doesn't like the situation that I'm in anymore than I do. On the other hand, He loves everyone affected by the situation, and wants there to be healing in all of us. Somehow that kind of blew my mind. I know God loves me and wants the best for me, but I just always thought that this was the life He gave me so He must want it that way. Yes, He is sovereign and there is a reason for this. But that is because He works out the evil for good. I believe that He hates to see me, His dear child, hurting. Another thing I realized that night, the part that frustrated me most, was that in order for there to be healing in any of my family, there needed to be encouragement between us. We tend to talk constantly about how miserable our lives are and how we wish it was this way and we wish it was that way. Instead of that, learning to be thankful, and encourage one another in our pursuit of God could completely change the atmosphere of some of our situation. I still don't know exactly what that looks like and I know it will be extremely difficult to begin doing, but I feel it is what I am called to. I have a position in my family where I am one who takes care of things and has a lot of responsibility. I need to use this responsibility, well, responsibly. I need to learn to love on and encourage every member of my family.

That was my first lesson.

The second lesson happened last week. This time the leader of all of the interns, James, was talking to us and just pouring out his heart. He is one of the most solid people I have ever met, and I am so blessed to be able to learn from him this summer. He was talking about loving people. Now what is interesting about this is that loving people is my passion. I LOVE people. So as he is talking about this, I'm thinking yeah! I love people. I got this, right? heh. oh angela. Anyway, so as he is talking he starts saying that we are called to love people no matter who they are. He said no matter who they are, how much they hurt us, emotionally, physically, whatever, it doesn't matter. We are just called to love and serve them. For some reason this time, it clicked. It doesn't matter how hard it is or how much it hurts, I am called to love my dad. So as I'm thinking this, I think 'but if I love, I open myself to being hurt.' and then the words 'turn the other cheek' come to mind. That, too, clicked. Think about how vulnerable a position that is! after someone slaps you, and you just turn your other cheek and say ok, hurt me again. that's insane! but what I am called to do. I am called to love and serve and turn the other cheek. I am also called to go above and beyond expectations. My family is gonna have a hard time with my trying to love and serve my dad. It might really upset them. This is when James started talking about if a person asks you to go a mile with them, go with them two. so it doesn't matter what my family or what my dad expects, I do only what God expects. I go above and beyond the expectations of people.

That was my second lesson.

I know these all seem so simple and fundamental, but it was just one of those situations where everything finally clicked.

It seems I am going to have to save my third lesson for another time.

You are loved.

Clinging Tenaciously

2009-06-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hey my friends.
So God has been doing a ridiculous amount in my life thus far this summer. I have been trying to keep people updated and keep updated with people, but due to my limited amount of free time in my schedule, it's been difficult. Therefore, I decided to make a blog. I don't really have time to do anything cool with it at this point so it's whatev. It's just gonna be plain.

I named it clinging tenaciously because of my desire to be like Jacob who wrestled with God, and clung to Him until God blessed him. Though he was wounded, he tenaciously clung to God in the struggle. That's my goal. So yeah, that's the story there.

So hopefully I'll be able to update soon on what God's doing in my life, which is in fact...a good amount of difficult and life changing things.

You are loved.