When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same.
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray.
And I want you more than I want to live another day.
And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made faithful.
I'm learning right now a lot about what it means to be broken. As I learn, I am being broken. It hurts. It's hard. And it's beautiful.
I have struggled with depression for about 9 years. So many times I ask God why I am still going through this, but I know that I have much to learn from it. Usually I see God despite my depression. As I am being pulled out of the pit of "despair" I see that He is the One pulling me out. Which is great.
This time my depression is worse than it has been in many, many years. There are many differences in this time and the constant struggle. For example: it's interefering with life, school, and relationships; i'm changing my meds; i'm tired constantly...i could go on.
The most recent difference of this particular struggle is what I am learning through it. Usually it is just a reminder to press on and to know God is in control. This time, rather than seeing God despite my depression, I am seeing Him in my depression. I am able to appreciate this time of brokenness because I know He is the One breaking me, and it is such a blessing to be broken and taught by the God of the universe. That He cares that much for me blows my mind.
So as I see Him in my depression, I see myself at a different place than I ever have before in this struggle. I feel as though I am a pile of bones lying on the ground begging for God to breathe life into me, to give me strength. Instead I hear Him tell me "Just wait, dear one, just wait."
It reminds me of David. Not that I would ever compare myself to David, the man after God's own heart. psh. I wish I could. But, in the time that he was living in caves hiding from Saul, he had to have asked..."God you said I would be king, but I'm going through this misery. When, God, when?" and God answered "Just wait, dear one, just wait."
So I am learning the beauty of brokenness and waiting.
I am so incredible thankful for this new lesson in my life.
You are loved. :)
