I'm worth it.

In an earlier post I talked about how I was hurting and how it was a good thing. I feel like that deserves an explanation and will lead into a lot I have to see this time.
Usually when I have thoughts of my dad or what he has done or anything to do with him, I feel hurt, but I cover that up by feeling fear which I cover up by feeling hatred. That night when I wrote, and any time since them, when I think of my dad, I have made a conscious decision to not be angry or hateful or fearful, so I am left with feeling only hurt. It is hard. Clearly, it hurts. But God is so faithful through it to hold me and just totally consume and comfort me. It's insane.
As far as my dad goes, after learning that I am called to love him and processing and contemplating that for a couple weeks, I decided to write him a letter. If you want to know about it, ask me. I'd be more than willing to tell you. Not only was it freeing, but it keeps me accountable for acting correctly and loving him in the future.

About a week after writing this letter, I was sitting just resting in my Jesus a little bit, and all the sudden I heard Him tell me "More than you need to forgive and love your dad, you MUST forgive and love yourself." Now, I knew I hated myself, but I didn't realize it was that serious. What is funny is as soon as I thought about that for even a minute, I told God that I can't. I told Him that there is no way. I'm going to make this long story short. I wrestled with this for about a week. I have gone to a counselor a couple times this summer to start the process of forgiving and loving my dad fully. She gave me the homework of making a list of things that I need to forgive him for. At the same time, I decided to make a list of reasons I hated myself. After talking over the list about my dad with her, she saw the list about myself and asked me about it. I told her, and we talked about it. After praying, she said that God wanted to show me something, and that I needed to be aware and hear Him. As I sat there with my Daddy, He gave me a picture of calvary. As my Love hung on the cross, I sat kneeling beneath his feet. As blood poured out of Him, it continually washed over me, and then flowed down the mountain. It was cool, because immediately after I got this picture, I had someone sitting write there (my counselor) to talk it out with. What I told her was that His blood was continually washing over me. That though calvary was a certain time and place in history, it's work is eternal. Of course this is a basic truth, but so incredible when we really grab ahold of it. I told her, that what God told me through this picture was that not only am I covered by Christ's blood, but that Christ's blood is Christ (I don't know if that makes sense, ask me about it if you need to). So I am completely, and continuously covered by Christ. He told me that He sees me this way, and that I need to learn to see myself that way. That shocked me, because I knew God saw me that way, but for me to need to see myself that way was a completely different mindset for me. I am covered by Christ. I need to see myself as beautiful, just as Christ is beautiful. Clearly, by beautiful, I am not simply referring to physical beauty.

I am learning to not think of myself as worthless, but rather that I am worth it. I AM worth it.

You are loved. and You are worth it.

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