How long, O Lord?

How long, O Lord?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say "I have prevailed over him," lestmy foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

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Typical.

I feel like it's pretty typical to do a post about being thankful on thanksgiving, but I want yall to know. :)

Because I am overwhelmingly thankful for so many things, I'm limiting myself to five for now...

1. My momma - I am so incredibly thankful for my mom. She works 2 jobs so she can help put us through school. She often does this being sick or in extreme pain. I legitimately don't think I could have a better mom. She loves Jesus so much, and chooses to trust Him even when things aren't going too well. She regularly encourages me in my faith and spurs me on in my relationship with Him.
2. A church home - It is so sweet to finally have a church (actually churches - in Houston and College Station) that I can call my church home. I hadn't had that for such a long time, and it allows me to truly appreciate it now. It is such a blessing to be able to have love, fellowship, and teaching at these places.
3. My sister living in College Station with me. It's just really sweet to have family in town. It is just a different feeling to have someone you can call on no matter if it is for a small or big reason. I like it a lot. :)
4. God's leading in my life. Recently, I am learning a lot about God's leading me. How He opens doors no man can shut and shuts doors no man can open - all that. It's really sweet to watch Him. It's so incredible to have a Voice behind me saying "This is the way. Walk in it." and I have been seeing that more and more lately. For the first time in my life, I truly trust that He will show me which way I am to go. It's beautiful.
5. So many wonderful people in my life.I truly have so many incredible people in my life who are huge blessings to me. Such wonderful truth and encouragement is spoken to me so regularly by them. I am continuously spurred on lovingly whether through encouragement or through rebuke. It's incredible. I couldn't be more thankful for the community God has given me -and I see His provision in it being just what I need for this time in my life.

I am so thankful.
What are you thankful for?
You are loved.

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Woah.

When your words came to me, I ate them; they were my joy

and my heart's delight, for I bear your name,

LORD God Almighty.

Jeremiah 15:16

I'm officially challenged.

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Where I'm At

Hey friends.

I want to give a bit of an update of what's going on in my life, but I feel like there's so much going on that I don't know where to start.
A couple things I'm reminded of when thinking about what's going on in my life and specifically where I'm at:
1. At the beginning of the semester, a theme of mine was that "I want to be about who He is, not where I'm at." I think that is definitely coming back into play now. Specifically when talking about where I'm at physically. My desire is to only be concerned with who He is and not worry about where I'm at. Whether I'm in college station, in houston, overseas, or anywhere in between doesn't really matter. Every where I am, He has chosen me to be there and to use me there, and my desire needs to be to bring Him glory regardless of what part of the world I'm in.
2. "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying 'This is the way, walk in it.'" - Is. 30:21. This has definitely become a theme for my life right now. I see Father's faithfulness in opening and closing doors and guiding me in the path He has for me. It's really beautiful. I stress about making decisions, and then He makes the decisions for me. It's pretty baller.

A few other thoughts:
1. Donna Stuart's new cd = baller/I swear a couple of the songs are my life in song format
2. Loving making international friends here. It's been a fun and meaningful semester because of it.
3. I am more than likely going to complete all my hours this semester! Whoop! (don't judge the fact that that's a big deal...I'm excited)
4. I got a 92ish on my Chinese midterm. It was easy, but I still like to brag.
5. I'm not doing as well as I'd like in getting back in shape, or getting full nights of sleep.

Sorry for the scatteredness of this post.
You are loved.

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Semester Goals

Last semester, I set some pretty intense goals. Doable...but intense. Most of them didn't happen. This semester, with one week down (and about a million more to go), I am trying to set some realistic goals.



1. Stay on top of my classes - care about them - glorify God in them. Don't skip class unless necessary.*

2. Live missionally in all I do.

3. Encourage the body of Christ to lve missionally.

4. Get a job - work hard - glorify Daddy in that.

5. Get in shape.

6. Write Abigail letters regularly.

7. Be in control of my body and not let it be in control of me (exercising, eating right, regular sleep schedule, etc.)

8. At least 8 hours of sleep a night.**



*Do my very best to not skip class unless necessary. It's not realistic to say I won't at all.

** Already failed at this at least one night. Again, it's a "do my very best" type of thing.



Feel free to keep me accountable/ask me about these things.

You are loved. :)

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My God is bigger

Our God is greater

Our God is stronger

God, You are higher than any other

Our God is healer, awesome in power

Our God, our God

I want to tell yall about one of the days this summer. Let's just start out with saying... it was a long day.

It started out with us going to the shops near the Big Temple in the city. After visiting for awhile, our doctor friend took us to a new temple with the goddess of mercy statue. This statue is HUGE. It is like over 60 ft tall or something crazy like that. This statue has 1000 hands and some ridiculous amount of eyes. As our friend told us about it and even asked us if we wanted to bow down to it, I became extremely overwhelmed. I just kept thinking "It's so big. It's so big." That's when I was so sweetly reminded by my God (the True God), "I'm bigger." And He gave me this song (Our God is greater). What a sweet truth. He is bigger than some statue. He is greater than false beliefs and the lies our friend is trapped in. He is higher than false religion.

We got back to our side of town at about 2 in the afternoon and proceeded to have a late lunch at our favorite noodle place. During our lunch, one of the girls I went with's bag was stolen. It was a frustrating couple of hours as we tried to deal with the situation. When we went to a coffee shop a few hours later, she and I got to talk for awhile. We talked through some of the frustrations and irritations from the day, and talked about the fact that satan was attacking because of all God was doing. This ended up just being more frustrating because we were letting satan get to us, and it had gotten in the way of intentional meetings with friends. That is when Daddy reminded us again, "I'm bigger." He is so much bigger than threats and plans of the evil one. He is so much bigger than our frustrations. He is so much bigger!

The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice;

let the many coastlands be glad!

Clouds and thick darkness are all around him;

righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.

Fire goes before him and burns up his adversaries all around.

His lightnings light up the world;

the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the LORD;

before the Lord of all the earth.

The heavens proclaim his righteousness,

and all the peoples see his glory.

All worshipers of images are put to shame,

who make their boast in worthless idols;

worship him, all you gods!

Zion hears and is glad,

and the daughters of Judah rejoice,

because of your judgements, O LORD.

For you, O LORD, are most high above all the earth;

you are exalted far above all gods.

Psalm 97:1-9

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What I Learned

So the main question I keep getting asked when I talk to people about my summer in East Asia is "What did you learn?"
That's a hard question to answer because I learned so much.
But what I keep coming back to and the first thing I always tell people is Lamentations 3:21-26

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul that seeks him."

What did this teach me?

Well, let me just tell you.

1. I learned a lot about waiting on the Lord. I have only once before so vividly and clearly had Father pull me out of a pit as I did this summer, and that is when I chose to follow Him. It was incredible to me how if I do actually wait on Him instead of running to people or my own conclusions, He will pull me out. "The Lord is good to those who wait for him."

2. So then I wondered why I don't typically do that, and I realized that I place this expectation on Him that He is going to get tired of helping me. I don't want to bother Him. Guess what He told me then? "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases."

3. My friend and I talked about that I cling to tight to relationships for fear of being hurt. I realized that my worth is not found in Christ, and that it needs to be. I need to know that He is all I need, and the rest is just "icing on the cake." "The Lord is my portion," says my soul "therefore I will hope in him."

4. At many different points throughout the trip, I was completely broken for my friends, and crying out to God in desperation. Then there were times I was frustrated because I felt like He should have revealed Himself to them already. He reminded me of Romans 9:15-18, that His timing is perfect and I can't expect it to just happen all at once (that's not how it happened with me), and that "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning."

5. And multiple times, in multiple ways, He reminded me of His constant faithfulness to me, my team, my friends, and that city. "Great is your faithfuless."

My Daddy, through this passage, has taught me more than that this summer and I'm sure He will continue to teach me more through this passage, but it has been such a sweet promise for me that I wanted to share it with all of you.

What has Daddy taught you so far this summer?

Can't wait to hear all about it.

You are loved.

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Just Wait.

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray.

And I want you more than I want to live another day.

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made faithful.

I'm learning right now a lot about what it means to be broken. As I learn, I am being broken. It hurts. It's hard. And it's beautiful.

I have struggled with depression for about 9 years. So many times I ask God why I am still going through this, but I know that I have much to learn from it. Usually I see God despite my depression. As I am being pulled out of the pit of "despair" I see that He is the One pulling me out. Which is great.

This time my depression is worse than it has been in many, many years. There are many differences in this time and the constant struggle. For example: it's interefering with life, school, and relationships; i'm changing my meds; i'm tired constantly...i could go on.

The most recent difference of this particular struggle is what I am learning through it. Usually it is just a reminder to press on and to know God is in control. This time, rather than seeing God despite my depression, I am seeing Him in my depression. I am able to appreciate this time of brokenness because I know He is the One breaking me, and it is such a blessing to be broken and taught by the God of the universe. That He cares that much for me blows my mind.

So as I see Him in my depression, I see myself at a different place than I ever have before in this struggle. I feel as though I am a pile of bones lying on the ground begging for God to breathe life into me, to give me strength. Instead I hear Him tell me "Just wait, dear one, just wait."

It reminds me of David. Not that I would ever compare myself to David, the man after God's own heart. psh. I wish I could. But, in the time that he was living in caves hiding from Saul, he had to have asked..."God you said I would be king, but I'm going through this misery. When, God, when?" and God answered "Just wait, dear one, just wait."

So I am learning the beauty of brokenness and waiting.

I am so incredible thankful for this new lesson in my life.

You are loved. :)

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What I want to do in my life.

My friend recently wrote a blog post that included her bucket list.

This inspired me to do the same, and as my blog is typically more serious-type posts, I thought I'd have some fun.

So here are a few of the things I really hope to do at some point in my life (my bucket list, if you will):

*In no particular order

1. Learn French
2. Learn Chinese (Mandarin)
3. Learn Arabic
4. Adopt a child
5. Run a marathon
6. Live overseas
7. Live in the inner city
8. Coach basketball
9. Do something productive with my ability to rap
10. Spend time in Israel
11. Visit Cameroon/spend time in multiple areas of Africa
12. Go on a Mediterranean cruise
13. Be part of a ministry to street kids/prostitutes
14. Open up my home to someone who needs a place to live
15. Get a degree
16. Learn to play racquetball
17. Learn to cook
18. Own a construction barrel (no, really).
19. Learn how to make UBC fruit tea
20. Go to Disney World in Hong Kong

:) that's it for now. I'm sure there's more I want to do, but this was more or less off the top of my head.

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"For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

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What arguments and opinions are you allowing to be raised against the knowledge of God in your mind right now?

_____________________________________

Right now, I am dealing with a lot of fear.

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Joyce Meyer in her book "Beauty for Ashes" says:

"If the devil can frighten us, then we are putting more faith in what he says than in what God says."

Hmmm... Interesting point, Joyce-y.

-

This just confirmed again how necessary it is to memorize the truth of God's Word and speak it over myself. How will I put my faith in what God says if I don't know what He says?

-

I'm excited that in my learning scripture to fight fear, I have the promise that the weapon of God's Word "has divine power to DESTROY strongholds."

-

Fear has been a constant stronghold in my life for some time, and I am excited to know that it will be broken in Jesus name.

-

You are loved. :)

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Philippians 4:8

I'm home. I really dislike home. I walked in the door yesterday to lots of yelling and contemplated turning around and driving back to college station. If it wasn't for the fact that it was my sister's prom last night, I would have. Really.

But I didn't. So now, I am here. A place with constant tension and frustration. None of my group of girl friends are in town, so all I really have to do is lay around the house. The house that I usually dread walking in to.

Not to mention the fact that Jesus is making me love my dad, so I can't just yell back at him.

Also, there's no fan in my room. It's just a frustrating situation.

So late last night, while I was frustrated with being here, and seriously considering just leaving, Jesus told me "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things." (Phil 4:8, NIV)

Now clearly (as shown in the rest of my post), that isn't easy for me at all in this situation. But that is my goal for the week. Instead of being frustrated with my choice of activities for the week, or with my life in general, I am going to dwell on the blessings God has given me. Specifically on the blessings He has given me here in Houston.

Today, I am going to hang out with two of my close friends Ryan and Josh in Rice Village. And tomorrow Sam is getting home. And I get to go to Houston First Baptist (Whoop!) and Ecclesia with Fay. There are so many wonderful things to be excited about and thankful for. Not to mention the fact that so many people in my family love me.

So now you know the goal for this week. Feel free to ask me afterward how I did. :p

Hope everyone's spring break is grand.

You are loved.

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reminiscent

So, today I am 20.

This day makes me reminisce a lot.

I am completely amazed at all God has brought me through in my short lifetime. It's insane. I could not even begin to write about it.

I can, however, write about a few of the people/places/things that God has used in my life. The blessings in my life that He has given me to get me through.

In honor of the fact that I am 20 today, perhaps I shall write 20 blessings.
These are in no specific order.

1. My Mommy - The biggest blessing of my life has been my mom. She has always taken care of me and had my back. Even when she couldn't fix everything, she did what she could. Her kids have always been her priority. She has always tried so hard and has been so strong. Now, sometimes all I want is to take care of her.

2. Andrew, Alyssa and Abigail - Andrew has been a really great brother. He has always tried to be a positive male figure in the lives of us girls. He takes good care of his family and will make a great dad and husband someday. Alyssa has been my best friend since I was 2. :) She knows me better than anyone in the world I'm pretty sure. I trust her more than anyone. Abigail is my girl. I love her to death. She is the strongest person I have ever met. She has had to be. She is amazing. She is growing up to be an incredible woman of God.
3. Mrs. Paul and the boys - Mrs. Paul was my children's pastor back in the day. She has always been around, and always known everything going on in my life. She is my 2nd mom. I can come to her with anything and everything. She has been the one I want to go to for as long as I can remember. If someone was to ask me who my mentor was/is, I'd definitely say her. Her boys (Walter, Tommy, Jacob, Caleb, and Isaiah) have a very very special place in my heart. When I was ready to kill myself and felt that I had nothing to live for, it was honestly them that kept me going. God placed them in my life for that reason if nothing else. They are some extremely special boys. Back in the day, I would spend the majority of my time at their house. Now, I rarely see them and miss them all the time. They are growing up so quickly!
4. Nanette and Patrick - They were my youth pastors. They have always been there for me, and I have learned so much from both of them. Nanette is a huge part of my testimony. God has used her so much in my life and I am so thankful for both them. On the lowest night of my life, I stayed at their house. They are incredible people.
5. Pastor Michael, Coach Cleveland, Mr. Carraway, and others - These were all Godly male influences in my life. They will never know how much that was needed and how thankful I am for each of them.

6. Allie - I should just suffice to say that she has been there through so much. She got way more than she bargained for with this friendship, but she stuck it out through it all. I am so thankful that she continued to stick by me through all my junk. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
7. The family - I am so blessed to have a group of friends from high school that I can consider family. They have always been there, and I know if I ever needed any of them, they always would be. I had very few real friends before knowing these guys, and now I know I am one of the most blessed people in the world as far as friends goes. They are pretty cool.
8. The Great Adventure Camp - I spent 4 summers at this small children's camp. I learned so much there. It has always been a safe place for me, and I have such great memories from that place. I grew so much from working there.

9. Impact - Impact has been such a blessing these last few years. I have learned and grown so much from being involved with it, not to mention I've met some of my best friends through it. God is working through that organization and it is incredible to be able to be a part of it.

10. Houston First Baptist - I had pretty much lost all faith in churches until I went to work for this church. I am so thankful for a big church in the middle of a big city looking to do church in a way that truly glorifies God and does what He desires. They have incredible community, they have incredible service to those around them and their own body, and the worship and teaching is amazing.

11. Central - The community I have found at Central is incredible. It have learned so much from the friends I have made there. I am constantly being spurred on and encouraged by those around me at the church.

12. Theatre - A huge constant blessing in my life (specifically throughout high school, but at times still now) is theatre. I love it. It brings me so much joy. It isn't as intense for me as basketball since my life was never really devoted to it, but it is something that is just chill, relaxing, and brings me joy. The people I have gotten to know through my love of theatre have also been a huge blessing.

13. Basketball - Basketball was my life for...well most of my life, or at least 8 years or so. It more or less consumed my life. Believe it or not, that was a huge blessing. First of all, basketball is just a source of joy for me. I love it. It is a passion. Second, because I focused my life around basketball, and basketball was my escape/get away, I didn't get into anything stupid. I truly believe God protected me through my love of basketball. Third, I know that God is going to continue to use my love of basketball in my life and I am excited to see that play out.

14. Kareliz - Ok, so I have this friend. She's from Puerto Rico. Silly Boricua. Basically, we grew up together, we learned and grew together. Even our testimonies are similar. When we didn't love Jesus (back in our heathen days), we hung out all the time. Now that we love Jesus (keepin it church), we still hang out all the time. It's beautiful. It's pretty much one of the greatest friendships I could ever ask for. We have known each other, and known each other well since the fourth grade. I can't imagine a time when we won't be friends.

15. Shalom Shack and Foster House - So both of these places are just pretty baller. I guess the reason I feel like they need to be included in this list is because of how life-giving they are to me. I can often just go chill at one of these houses for like 30 minutes and feel refreshed. The people who live there are wonderful ladies who are seeking after God and I am thankful for all of them. The last two semesters would have been extremely different without the people in these houses, and I am so glad I have them in my life. Sarah, you have been a huge part of my life since the beginning of freshman year and I am thankful for how much God has used you in my life. I'm excited to see how He uses you in the future, especially in Russia.

16. Encourager Church - I am so thankful to have grown up in the church I did. That church was like a security blanket for me until I was at least 15. It is where I always felt safe. I learned a lot and had some amazing people pour into me in that church. Eventually, it was not where I was supposed to be anymore, but I am thankful for the impact it and the people in it had on my life.

17. Truth spoken into my life - Ok, so I know that isn't really a thing or a person or a place, but it is a blessing that has helped me through life, spurred me on, and encouraged me. It is always much needed. I am so incredibly thankful for the truth I have had spoken into my life, and for the people in my life who continually speak truth. It is such a huge blessing.

18. Cypress Christian - 9th grade year at Cypress was a turning point for me. I had just realized my need for God and had turned back to Him. Because of His directing me and my parents that I should go to Cypress, I met people that encouraged me and taught me what it is to follow Him. His plan in me going to that school was perfect, and I can't imagine graduating from a better place. I am incredibly thankful that that is where He put me.

19. Houses - Another huge blessing in my life has always been my home away from home. It doesn't matter where that may be at the time, it's just always a huge blessing. Especially in high school when being home was miserable. Being able to stay at Aubrey's whenever was one of the biggest blessings I had. I loved that I basically lived at her house along with the rest of the girls. I still love it every time we spend time at that house. Abby's house freshman year, obviously was an incredible blessing. I mean, by the end of the year, it wasn't my home away from home...it just was my home. I just am so grateful that I go to live on Abby and Nick's futon. That Abby saw what I needed and was so there for me. She's kinda wonderful. :) Also, I love my house this year. It's a huge blessing. It is so sweet to live somewhere where there is peace and not tension and encouragement rather than discouragement. It's so incredible and I just like it a lot.

20. The incredible friends in my life - So basically I have incredible amazing brilliant friends in my life. Just because I didn't mention someone doesn't mean I don't realize how incredible they are and how much I need them in my life. I have been so blessed by friends who are real, honest, and uplifting to me. I don't know how I got so lucky. Jesus must love me a whole lot. :) I am consistently amazed by how blessed I am by the people in my life and the people that love me and care about me. It's truly incredible.

It amazes me how Father knows exactly what we need when we need it. These are just a few of the blessings He has given me to teach me, grow me, and help me get through life thus far. I truly needed each and every one of these and can't imagine my life without them.

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"Jesus and the 12 disciplines, they was in the boat..."

I love Madea. Hence, the quote. And I have watched I Can Do Bad All By Myself recently...both the movie and the play actually. Luckily, they are so different, I can't compare them.

I determined this past weekend that this coming semester, I have to be much more disciplined. It is going to be a really hectic semester and the busyness has already begun. Meh. And by I determined, I really mean that Jesus told me. I have to be more disciplined in every aspect of my life. SCHOOL, work, time with Jesus, exercise, money, and on and on. So there are going to be some big changes in my life this semester:

1. Bed time - by 12:30 every night. This can only be ignored in very extreme circumstances.
2. Wake up time - 7 every morning. EVERY MORNING. even if I don't have class or work until 10:30 or later.
3. In the mornings I am going to run, shower, and spend time with Jesus. Every morning! Except Wednesdays which will be my day off from running, and I will get up a bit earlier to have breakfast with Impact Prayer Team girls. :)
4. I will spend MUCH less time being unintentionally social. Of course, friendships need to be strengthened and pursued...but other than those I am committed to serving this semester, the friendship part of my life will have to decrease considerably. I am excited, because this will help me learn that only Christ can sustain me.
5. Because I have a morning routine, I will go to all my classes. My goal is legitimately to not miss more than one class (in every class) this semester. Which would be an INSANE improvement. And I will call in to work sick no more than twice this semester.

Those are the big ones. At least that I remember at this point. :) Get excited. And feel free to hold me accountable. It's much needed.

You are loved.

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Time

So, it was brought to my attention recently that I have not blogged since september. I'm definitely not an avid blogger, but I felt that meant it was about the time to write a new post. I got on thinking I would write about my trip to China, but I wouldn't really know what to say or where to begin.

I'm gonna be honest, the trip wasn't an easy one for me. There were a lot of things I had to work through and deal with, including something unexpected: a letter from my dad. I don't really know if I'm ready to get into all of that yet, but let's just say Daddy's teaching me a lot and growing me through it.

I made some really baller friends while I was in China. Many of whom, Father broke my heart for because they were completely closed off to truth. A few of my friends were interested, and two of my friends were believers, but many of them were closed off at the mention of it.

One of the greatest parts of the trip was the times with the workers. We were so blessed to be able to spend a good amount of time with them, and (I hope) encourage and refresh them.

Now, I am struggling with being content where I am at. In the last few days in the city, Father gave me a heart and a burden for the city and I long to be there. It's funny how Father works because, though my trip had been good, in the middle of the second week, I never thought I would want to go back. In one day, He completely changed that. I miss it a lot. I am learning to be content where I am, and knowing that Father has me here for a reason. I am so blessed to be able to be used of Him no matter where I am. I should be so grateful for the opportunity to be used of Him here, on this campus. That is the goal. To know that He has placed me here for a reason, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve Him here.

You are loved.

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