reminiscent

So, today I am 20.

This day makes me reminisce a lot.

I am completely amazed at all God has brought me through in my short lifetime. It's insane. I could not even begin to write about it.

I can, however, write about a few of the people/places/things that God has used in my life. The blessings in my life that He has given me to get me through.

In honor of the fact that I am 20 today, perhaps I shall write 20 blessings.
These are in no specific order.

1. My Mommy - The biggest blessing of my life has been my mom. She has always taken care of me and had my back. Even when she couldn't fix everything, she did what she could. Her kids have always been her priority. She has always tried so hard and has been so strong. Now, sometimes all I want is to take care of her.

2. Andrew, Alyssa and Abigail - Andrew has been a really great brother. He has always tried to be a positive male figure in the lives of us girls. He takes good care of his family and will make a great dad and husband someday. Alyssa has been my best friend since I was 2. :) She knows me better than anyone in the world I'm pretty sure. I trust her more than anyone. Abigail is my girl. I love her to death. She is the strongest person I have ever met. She has had to be. She is amazing. She is growing up to be an incredible woman of God.
3. Mrs. Paul and the boys - Mrs. Paul was my children's pastor back in the day. She has always been around, and always known everything going on in my life. She is my 2nd mom. I can come to her with anything and everything. She has been the one I want to go to for as long as I can remember. If someone was to ask me who my mentor was/is, I'd definitely say her. Her boys (Walter, Tommy, Jacob, Caleb, and Isaiah) have a very very special place in my heart. When I was ready to kill myself and felt that I had nothing to live for, it was honestly them that kept me going. God placed them in my life for that reason if nothing else. They are some extremely special boys. Back in the day, I would spend the majority of my time at their house. Now, I rarely see them and miss them all the time. They are growing up so quickly!
4. Nanette and Patrick - They were my youth pastors. They have always been there for me, and I have learned so much from both of them. Nanette is a huge part of my testimony. God has used her so much in my life and I am so thankful for both them. On the lowest night of my life, I stayed at their house. They are incredible people.
5. Pastor Michael, Coach Cleveland, Mr. Carraway, and others - These were all Godly male influences in my life. They will never know how much that was needed and how thankful I am for each of them.

6. Allie - I should just suffice to say that she has been there through so much. She got way more than she bargained for with this friendship, but she stuck it out through it all. I am so thankful that she continued to stick by me through all my junk. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
7. The family - I am so blessed to have a group of friends from high school that I can consider family. They have always been there, and I know if I ever needed any of them, they always would be. I had very few real friends before knowing these guys, and now I know I am one of the most blessed people in the world as far as friends goes. They are pretty cool.
8. The Great Adventure Camp - I spent 4 summers at this small children's camp. I learned so much there. It has always been a safe place for me, and I have such great memories from that place. I grew so much from working there.

9. Impact - Impact has been such a blessing these last few years. I have learned and grown so much from being involved with it, not to mention I've met some of my best friends through it. God is working through that organization and it is incredible to be able to be a part of it.

10. Houston First Baptist - I had pretty much lost all faith in churches until I went to work for this church. I am so thankful for a big church in the middle of a big city looking to do church in a way that truly glorifies God and does what He desires. They have incredible community, they have incredible service to those around them and their own body, and the worship and teaching is amazing.

11. Central - The community I have found at Central is incredible. It have learned so much from the friends I have made there. I am constantly being spurred on and encouraged by those around me at the church.

12. Theatre - A huge constant blessing in my life (specifically throughout high school, but at times still now) is theatre. I love it. It brings me so much joy. It isn't as intense for me as basketball since my life was never really devoted to it, but it is something that is just chill, relaxing, and brings me joy. The people I have gotten to know through my love of theatre have also been a huge blessing.

13. Basketball - Basketball was my life for...well most of my life, or at least 8 years or so. It more or less consumed my life. Believe it or not, that was a huge blessing. First of all, basketball is just a source of joy for me. I love it. It is a passion. Second, because I focused my life around basketball, and basketball was my escape/get away, I didn't get into anything stupid. I truly believe God protected me through my love of basketball. Third, I know that God is going to continue to use my love of basketball in my life and I am excited to see that play out.

14. Kareliz - Ok, so I have this friend. She's from Puerto Rico. Silly Boricua. Basically, we grew up together, we learned and grew together. Even our testimonies are similar. When we didn't love Jesus (back in our heathen days), we hung out all the time. Now that we love Jesus (keepin it church), we still hang out all the time. It's beautiful. It's pretty much one of the greatest friendships I could ever ask for. We have known each other, and known each other well since the fourth grade. I can't imagine a time when we won't be friends.

15. Shalom Shack and Foster House - So both of these places are just pretty baller. I guess the reason I feel like they need to be included in this list is because of how life-giving they are to me. I can often just go chill at one of these houses for like 30 minutes and feel refreshed. The people who live there are wonderful ladies who are seeking after God and I am thankful for all of them. The last two semesters would have been extremely different without the people in these houses, and I am so glad I have them in my life. Sarah, you have been a huge part of my life since the beginning of freshman year and I am thankful for how much God has used you in my life. I'm excited to see how He uses you in the future, especially in Russia.

16. Encourager Church - I am so thankful to have grown up in the church I did. That church was like a security blanket for me until I was at least 15. It is where I always felt safe. I learned a lot and had some amazing people pour into me in that church. Eventually, it was not where I was supposed to be anymore, but I am thankful for the impact it and the people in it had on my life.

17. Truth spoken into my life - Ok, so I know that isn't really a thing or a person or a place, but it is a blessing that has helped me through life, spurred me on, and encouraged me. It is always much needed. I am so incredibly thankful for the truth I have had spoken into my life, and for the people in my life who continually speak truth. It is such a huge blessing.

18. Cypress Christian - 9th grade year at Cypress was a turning point for me. I had just realized my need for God and had turned back to Him. Because of His directing me and my parents that I should go to Cypress, I met people that encouraged me and taught me what it is to follow Him. His plan in me going to that school was perfect, and I can't imagine graduating from a better place. I am incredibly thankful that that is where He put me.

19. Houses - Another huge blessing in my life has always been my home away from home. It doesn't matter where that may be at the time, it's just always a huge blessing. Especially in high school when being home was miserable. Being able to stay at Aubrey's whenever was one of the biggest blessings I had. I loved that I basically lived at her house along with the rest of the girls. I still love it every time we spend time at that house. Abby's house freshman year, obviously was an incredible blessing. I mean, by the end of the year, it wasn't my home away from home...it just was my home. I just am so grateful that I go to live on Abby and Nick's futon. That Abby saw what I needed and was so there for me. She's kinda wonderful. :) Also, I love my house this year. It's a huge blessing. It is so sweet to live somewhere where there is peace and not tension and encouragement rather than discouragement. It's so incredible and I just like it a lot.

20. The incredible friends in my life - So basically I have incredible amazing brilliant friends in my life. Just because I didn't mention someone doesn't mean I don't realize how incredible they are and how much I need them in my life. I have been so blessed by friends who are real, honest, and uplifting to me. I don't know how I got so lucky. Jesus must love me a whole lot. :) I am consistently amazed by how blessed I am by the people in my life and the people that love me and care about me. It's truly incredible.

It amazes me how Father knows exactly what we need when we need it. These are just a few of the blessings He has given me to teach me, grow me, and help me get through life thus far. I truly needed each and every one of these and can't imagine my life without them.

Categories:

"Jesus and the 12 disciplines, they was in the boat..."

I love Madea. Hence, the quote. And I have watched I Can Do Bad All By Myself recently...both the movie and the play actually. Luckily, they are so different, I can't compare them.

I determined this past weekend that this coming semester, I have to be much more disciplined. It is going to be a really hectic semester and the busyness has already begun. Meh. And by I determined, I really mean that Jesus told me. I have to be more disciplined in every aspect of my life. SCHOOL, work, time with Jesus, exercise, money, and on and on. So there are going to be some big changes in my life this semester:

1. Bed time - by 12:30 every night. This can only be ignored in very extreme circumstances.
2. Wake up time - 7 every morning. EVERY MORNING. even if I don't have class or work until 10:30 or later.
3. In the mornings I am going to run, shower, and spend time with Jesus. Every morning! Except Wednesdays which will be my day off from running, and I will get up a bit earlier to have breakfast with Impact Prayer Team girls. :)
4. I will spend MUCH less time being unintentionally social. Of course, friendships need to be strengthened and pursued...but other than those I am committed to serving this semester, the friendship part of my life will have to decrease considerably. I am excited, because this will help me learn that only Christ can sustain me.
5. Because I have a morning routine, I will go to all my classes. My goal is legitimately to not miss more than one class (in every class) this semester. Which would be an INSANE improvement. And I will call in to work sick no more than twice this semester.

Those are the big ones. At least that I remember at this point. :) Get excited. And feel free to hold me accountable. It's much needed.

You are loved.

Categories:

Time

So, it was brought to my attention recently that I have not blogged since september. I'm definitely not an avid blogger, but I felt that meant it was about the time to write a new post. I got on thinking I would write about my trip to China, but I wouldn't really know what to say or where to begin.

I'm gonna be honest, the trip wasn't an easy one for me. There were a lot of things I had to work through and deal with, including something unexpected: a letter from my dad. I don't really know if I'm ready to get into all of that yet, but let's just say Daddy's teaching me a lot and growing me through it.

I made some really baller friends while I was in China. Many of whom, Father broke my heart for because they were completely closed off to truth. A few of my friends were interested, and two of my friends were believers, but many of them were closed off at the mention of it.

One of the greatest parts of the trip was the times with the workers. We were so blessed to be able to spend a good amount of time with them, and (I hope) encourage and refresh them.

Now, I am struggling with being content where I am at. In the last few days in the city, Father gave me a heart and a burden for the city and I long to be there. It's funny how Father works because, though my trip had been good, in the middle of the second week, I never thought I would want to go back. In one day, He completely changed that. I miss it a lot. I am learning to be content where I am, and knowing that Father has me here for a reason. I am so blessed to be able to be used of Him no matter where I am. I should be so grateful for the opportunity to be used of Him here, on this campus. That is the goal. To know that He has placed me here for a reason, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve Him here.

You are loved.

Categories:

Satisfy me.

I am learning so much recently.
It's ridiculous to see how much I am not usually satisfied in Christ. When He, of course, is the only one who will satisfy. And because of this I fall into selfishness so easily. My prayer right now is to be broken of that.

Another thing that not only is a constant longing of my heart, but also I am so excited about is to see revival on A&M campus. I truly am expecting it. I want to be part of it. But am content to let God use me in whatever way He sees fit. But I am ready. and expecting. and insanely excited. If you want to know specifics of why I feel this revival is coming soon, ask me, because God is blowing my mind lately. And the only explanation is that God is on the move on this campus. In huge ways. I'm blown away. and, once again, excited. I feel so blessed to be seeing this happen.

Pray for our campus. Be trusting and expectant.

You are loved.

Categories:

This God - His way is perfect.

I'm not so much looking forward to school and work. On the other hand, I can't wait for the awesome things God has in store for this year. I'm nervous and excited about upstream, and am so ready to see what God will do. I have learned so much here at a&m in just a year so I'm pretty pumped to see what will be next.

Impact was incredible. God moved. It was so cool to just see God work. I'm so blessed to have been a part of it.

Right now, I'm learning to trust. Kristin is at TIRR after 3 more brain anyeurisms. She is in a near coma state right now. God showed me at Impact how sweet it is to trust in Him, and I am working to constantly put that in to practice now. In this situation and in many others with home and school.

Psalm 18:30 says "This God- His was is perfect. The Word of the Lord proves true. He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him."

I'm clinging to that. I encourage you to do the same.

You are loved.

Categories:

I'm worth it.

In an earlier post I talked about how I was hurting and how it was a good thing. I feel like that deserves an explanation and will lead into a lot I have to see this time.
Usually when I have thoughts of my dad or what he has done or anything to do with him, I feel hurt, but I cover that up by feeling fear which I cover up by feeling hatred. That night when I wrote, and any time since them, when I think of my dad, I have made a conscious decision to not be angry or hateful or fearful, so I am left with feeling only hurt. It is hard. Clearly, it hurts. But God is so faithful through it to hold me and just totally consume and comfort me. It's insane.
As far as my dad goes, after learning that I am called to love him and processing and contemplating that for a couple weeks, I decided to write him a letter. If you want to know about it, ask me. I'd be more than willing to tell you. Not only was it freeing, but it keeps me accountable for acting correctly and loving him in the future.

About a week after writing this letter, I was sitting just resting in my Jesus a little bit, and all the sudden I heard Him tell me "More than you need to forgive and love your dad, you MUST forgive and love yourself." Now, I knew I hated myself, but I didn't realize it was that serious. What is funny is as soon as I thought about that for even a minute, I told God that I can't. I told Him that there is no way. I'm going to make this long story short. I wrestled with this for about a week. I have gone to a counselor a couple times this summer to start the process of forgiving and loving my dad fully. She gave me the homework of making a list of things that I need to forgive him for. At the same time, I decided to make a list of reasons I hated myself. After talking over the list about my dad with her, she saw the list about myself and asked me about it. I told her, and we talked about it. After praying, she said that God wanted to show me something, and that I needed to be aware and hear Him. As I sat there with my Daddy, He gave me a picture of calvary. As my Love hung on the cross, I sat kneeling beneath his feet. As blood poured out of Him, it continually washed over me, and then flowed down the mountain. It was cool, because immediately after I got this picture, I had someone sitting write there (my counselor) to talk it out with. What I told her was that His blood was continually washing over me. That though calvary was a certain time and place in history, it's work is eternal. Of course this is a basic truth, but so incredible when we really grab ahold of it. I told her, that what God told me through this picture was that not only am I covered by Christ's blood, but that Christ's blood is Christ (I don't know if that makes sense, ask me about it if you need to). So I am completely, and continuously covered by Christ. He told me that He sees me this way, and that I need to learn to see myself that way. That shocked me, because I knew God saw me that way, but for me to need to see myself that way was a completely different mindset for me. I am covered by Christ. I need to see myself as beautiful, just as Christ is beautiful. Clearly, by beautiful, I am not simply referring to physical beauty.

I am learning to not think of myself as worthless, but rather that I am worth it. I AM worth it.

You are loved. and You are worth it.

Categories:

trusting and expectant.

John 3:15 in the message says “and everyone who looks up to him – trusting and expectant, will gain real life, eternal life.”
The other night I was talking with Brittani. She is the girl leader at the internship. I was really really struggling with depression and I asked her to come and pray truth over me. After praying, we were talking and she told me this verse. We came to the conclusion, that I always believe God CAN fix my life, and deal with my family situation and take away my depression, but I don’t ever believe he WILL. That is a problem. God desires good for me. He desires to bring healing and restoration to my life. I always think that believing God will change my situation is getting my hopes up. But that is just silly! My hope is in Jesus Christ. How is it even possible to get your hopes up about something if my hope is in Christ?
I realized I am called to be expectant about the stuff going on in my life. I need to trust that the situations will change. Because they will. We just don’t know when. If not in this life than in eternity. God will change my situation, because He loves me. And I need to believe that.
I realized that I have the right to be excited about this. I have the right to have joy and be excited about God bringing restoration to my family and healing my hurt and taking away my depression, because it will happen. I should be excited. I’d be crazy not to be.
That is the third thing I learned. The end.
Since then I have read so many more verses relating to this topic that are so encouraging. Por ejemple:
Psalm 37:5 says “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.”
And
In Matthew 9:29, Jesus says “According to your faith it will be done to you.”
This has encouraged me so much and more or less changed my perspective on life.
You are loved.

Categories: