"Jesus and the 12 disciplines, they was in the boat..."

I love Madea. Hence, the quote. And I have watched I Can Do Bad All By Myself recently...both the movie and the play actually. Luckily, they are so different, I can't compare them.

I determined this past weekend that this coming semester, I have to be much more disciplined. It is going to be a really hectic semester and the busyness has already begun. Meh. And by I determined, I really mean that Jesus told me. I have to be more disciplined in every aspect of my life. SCHOOL, work, time with Jesus, exercise, money, and on and on. So there are going to be some big changes in my life this semester:

1. Bed time - by 12:30 every night. This can only be ignored in very extreme circumstances.
2. Wake up time - 7 every morning. EVERY MORNING. even if I don't have class or work until 10:30 or later.
3. In the mornings I am going to run, shower, and spend time with Jesus. Every morning! Except Wednesdays which will be my day off from running, and I will get up a bit earlier to have breakfast with Impact Prayer Team girls. :)
4. I will spend MUCH less time being unintentionally social. Of course, friendships need to be strengthened and pursued...but other than those I am committed to serving this semester, the friendship part of my life will have to decrease considerably. I am excited, because this will help me learn that only Christ can sustain me.
5. Because I have a morning routine, I will go to all my classes. My goal is legitimately to not miss more than one class (in every class) this semester. Which would be an INSANE improvement. And I will call in to work sick no more than twice this semester.

Those are the big ones. At least that I remember at this point. :) Get excited. And feel free to hold me accountable. It's much needed.

You are loved.

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Time

So, it was brought to my attention recently that I have not blogged since september. I'm definitely not an avid blogger, but I felt that meant it was about the time to write a new post. I got on thinking I would write about my trip to China, but I wouldn't really know what to say or where to begin.

I'm gonna be honest, the trip wasn't an easy one for me. There were a lot of things I had to work through and deal with, including something unexpected: a letter from my dad. I don't really know if I'm ready to get into all of that yet, but let's just say Daddy's teaching me a lot and growing me through it.

I made some really baller friends while I was in China. Many of whom, Father broke my heart for because they were completely closed off to truth. A few of my friends were interested, and two of my friends were believers, but many of them were closed off at the mention of it.

One of the greatest parts of the trip was the times with the workers. We were so blessed to be able to spend a good amount of time with them, and (I hope) encourage and refresh them.

Now, I am struggling with being content where I am at. In the last few days in the city, Father gave me a heart and a burden for the city and I long to be there. It's funny how Father works because, though my trip had been good, in the middle of the second week, I never thought I would want to go back. In one day, He completely changed that. I miss it a lot. I am learning to be content where I am, and knowing that Father has me here for a reason. I am so blessed to be able to be used of Him no matter where I am. I should be so grateful for the opportunity to be used of Him here, on this campus. That is the goal. To know that He has placed me here for a reason, and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve Him here.

You are loved.

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Satisfy me.

I am learning so much recently.
It's ridiculous to see how much I am not usually satisfied in Christ. When He, of course, is the only one who will satisfy. And because of this I fall into selfishness so easily. My prayer right now is to be broken of that.

Another thing that not only is a constant longing of my heart, but also I am so excited about is to see revival on A&M campus. I truly am expecting it. I want to be part of it. But am content to let God use me in whatever way He sees fit. But I am ready. and expecting. and insanely excited. If you want to know specifics of why I feel this revival is coming soon, ask me, because God is blowing my mind lately. And the only explanation is that God is on the move on this campus. In huge ways. I'm blown away. and, once again, excited. I feel so blessed to be seeing this happen.

Pray for our campus. Be trusting and expectant.

You are loved.

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This God - His way is perfect.

I'm not so much looking forward to school and work. On the other hand, I can't wait for the awesome things God has in store for this year. I'm nervous and excited about upstream, and am so ready to see what God will do. I have learned so much here at a&m in just a year so I'm pretty pumped to see what will be next.

Impact was incredible. God moved. It was so cool to just see God work. I'm so blessed to have been a part of it.

Right now, I'm learning to trust. Kristin is at TIRR after 3 more brain anyeurisms. She is in a near coma state right now. God showed me at Impact how sweet it is to trust in Him, and I am working to constantly put that in to practice now. In this situation and in many others with home and school.

Psalm 18:30 says "This God- His was is perfect. The Word of the Lord proves true. He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him."

I'm clinging to that. I encourage you to do the same.

You are loved.

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I'm worth it.

In an earlier post I talked about how I was hurting and how it was a good thing. I feel like that deserves an explanation and will lead into a lot I have to see this time.
Usually when I have thoughts of my dad or what he has done or anything to do with him, I feel hurt, but I cover that up by feeling fear which I cover up by feeling hatred. That night when I wrote, and any time since them, when I think of my dad, I have made a conscious decision to not be angry or hateful or fearful, so I am left with feeling only hurt. It is hard. Clearly, it hurts. But God is so faithful through it to hold me and just totally consume and comfort me. It's insane.
As far as my dad goes, after learning that I am called to love him and processing and contemplating that for a couple weeks, I decided to write him a letter. If you want to know about it, ask me. I'd be more than willing to tell you. Not only was it freeing, but it keeps me accountable for acting correctly and loving him in the future.

About a week after writing this letter, I was sitting just resting in my Jesus a little bit, and all the sudden I heard Him tell me "More than you need to forgive and love your dad, you MUST forgive and love yourself." Now, I knew I hated myself, but I didn't realize it was that serious. What is funny is as soon as I thought about that for even a minute, I told God that I can't. I told Him that there is no way. I'm going to make this long story short. I wrestled with this for about a week. I have gone to a counselor a couple times this summer to start the process of forgiving and loving my dad fully. She gave me the homework of making a list of things that I need to forgive him for. At the same time, I decided to make a list of reasons I hated myself. After talking over the list about my dad with her, she saw the list about myself and asked me about it. I told her, and we talked about it. After praying, she said that God wanted to show me something, and that I needed to be aware and hear Him. As I sat there with my Daddy, He gave me a picture of calvary. As my Love hung on the cross, I sat kneeling beneath his feet. As blood poured out of Him, it continually washed over me, and then flowed down the mountain. It was cool, because immediately after I got this picture, I had someone sitting write there (my counselor) to talk it out with. What I told her was that His blood was continually washing over me. That though calvary was a certain time and place in history, it's work is eternal. Of course this is a basic truth, but so incredible when we really grab ahold of it. I told her, that what God told me through this picture was that not only am I covered by Christ's blood, but that Christ's blood is Christ (I don't know if that makes sense, ask me about it if you need to). So I am completely, and continuously covered by Christ. He told me that He sees me this way, and that I need to learn to see myself that way. That shocked me, because I knew God saw me that way, but for me to need to see myself that way was a completely different mindset for me. I am covered by Christ. I need to see myself as beautiful, just as Christ is beautiful. Clearly, by beautiful, I am not simply referring to physical beauty.

I am learning to not think of myself as worthless, but rather that I am worth it. I AM worth it.

You are loved. and You are worth it.

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trusting and expectant.

John 3:15 in the message says “and everyone who looks up to him – trusting and expectant, will gain real life, eternal life.”
The other night I was talking with Brittani. She is the girl leader at the internship. I was really really struggling with depression and I asked her to come and pray truth over me. After praying, we were talking and she told me this verse. We came to the conclusion, that I always believe God CAN fix my life, and deal with my family situation and take away my depression, but I don’t ever believe he WILL. That is a problem. God desires good for me. He desires to bring healing and restoration to my life. I always think that believing God will change my situation is getting my hopes up. But that is just silly! My hope is in Jesus Christ. How is it even possible to get your hopes up about something if my hope is in Christ?
I realized I am called to be expectant about the stuff going on in my life. I need to trust that the situations will change. Because they will. We just don’t know when. If not in this life than in eternity. God will change my situation, because He loves me. And I need to believe that.
I realized that I have the right to be excited about this. I have the right to have joy and be excited about God bringing restoration to my family and healing my hurt and taking away my depression, because it will happen. I should be excited. I’d be crazy not to be.
That is the third thing I learned. The end.
Since then I have read so many more verses relating to this topic that are so encouraging. Por ejemple:
Psalm 37:5 says “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.”
And
In Matthew 9:29, Jesus says “According to your faith it will be done to you.”
This has encouraged me so much and more or less changed my perspective on life.
You are loved.

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joy.

I have so much more I need to write and tell yll. So much that it's crazy. and upsetting that I still don't have time to write it.

Today... I am hurting. A lot.

Believe it or not, that's a good thing. and a long story for another time.

I am also struggling so much with depression.
and therein lies something I learned most recently.
God has given me an immense amount of joy by following Him, and giving me the Holy Spirit. It's a fruit of the Spirit. therefore I have it. Instead of allowing myself to admit depression and just give into it all the time. I need to claim joy for myself.
the end.

pray for me guys. the next couple days will be a fight. Thankfully, the Lord will fight for me, I need only be still.

You are loved.

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